you’re not asking for the wrong things. you have been asking the wrong person.

I should not need anything.

I do not have the rights to ask for a certain thing unless I am someone’s something, and what that is depends on what that person says.

I need to be perfect to be treated right.

It has been a long time, a very long time, living under those words. And even now, those words still ring in my ears from time to time.

I would give everything to get rid of those words, those codes running in the background of my mind. I would give decades of my life to have them purged. Cos then, I could live every day as it unfolds without being bothered by waves of emotional flashbacks ruining even my best moments.

But that is impossible. And I digress.

One year ago, I burst into tears when someone told me that I need not give anything back. That is not part of the deal; in fact, there is no deal at all. Now, I know (though I sometimes have to struggle with my distrust to believe it) that no deal is needed for me to be taken into consideration and cared for.

I used to be scared stiff when thinking about raising an issue or having a discussion about something that feels odd in a dynamic. I was terrified of hearing “who do you think you are to ask for this?” (which I had to hear for several years prior), of being called self-entitled or vain, of being left on read and ignored. I used to have to say sorry to the one at fault for daring to speak for myself, to endure belittlement, to be compared.

It came as utter surprise when they said sorry, even when they did not mean for such things to happen. When messages got responded, albeit late at times (cos life happens; but if messages are distress signals, it is certain they will get responded with support and understanding the moment they are opened). When plans are made and kept. When people explain their situations instead of telling me off.

And all of those happen without any labels, any obligations.

Those happen even know they know I am a huge blob of anxiety and overthinking. I don’t even need to have it together all the time. They are happy to hear any new changes in my life, but my life won’t get criticised when it rolls in its old rhythm. My life is my life. Noone wants to interfere, but they want to contribute.

Even as a relationship anarchist, I still have anxiety around my significance and my value in people’s eyes all the time. I still envy people for a lot of things I don’t even want (but told to want by hetereo-mononormativity). I still shake from insecurities every now and then.

But it has been easier to wait them all out. To sleep with little difficulty and to wake up feeling better. To live and ride my chaotic mind.